Five Question Friday

1. What is your favorite Christmas cookie?
 Whatever kind the kids leave out for Santa to eat. :)
... which will probably be sugar cookies. I'm not aware of the Christmas cookie varieties.

2. What's your favorite holiday movie & why?
I wasn't prepared for this question! I need more time to study. Seriously, I've never really given it much thought.

3. Is there a gift that you bought for your kids that you wish you hadn't after they opened it?
Christmas hasn't happened yet. I mean, last year all Paisley got was a little brother. I was pretty ecstatic to unwrap him although I'm sure she wishes he would go back to where he came from...

4. What is the messiest room in your house right at this moment?
The kitchen. Who isn't going to answer with the kitchen?

5. What is the furthest you have driven for the holidays?
I don't drive. Although, I did make Brandon drive us to Asheville 2 Christmas' ago. It's a 3 hour drive and it was so so worth it. :)

Five Question Friiiday



1. What is your favorite Christmas decoration in your house?

My babies when they're running/crawling around in their Santa Claus diapers, of course! And in second place, this adorable tiny little nativity scene that has forever been my moms. She gave it to me last year and I just adore it.
 

2. Do you finish your Christmas shopping early or are you a last minute type?

Last minute. We literally have to save up all our money in order to get Christmas. And even then, we barely get anything. Because in this house, we celebrate Taxmas. When the taxes start rolling in, that's when presents appear.

 

3. When do you turn on your heat?

Whenever I feeeeeel like it! If I get the tiniest bit cold, I'm using my heat. Mostly at night and in the morning. I try to do without during the day.

4. Do you ever wish your blog was private?

Sometimes. I'd like to bitch and moan about people in my life and obviously can't do that here. But, that's what God made husbands for, anyways. Right? So we can bitch to them.

5. Do you put your deodorant on before of after you put on your shirt?

I think that no matter how it's done, you're screwed. I put my bra and tank top on first. Then I pull the armpit piece of tank waaaaaaaaaaaay down while I do the deodorant. Then I put my hoody on. That's right - I skip an actual shirt for fear of deodorant. And let me just say, that I always end up with pit stains despite deodorant. Eff you chalky substance. Eff youuuu.

Fiiiiive Question Friday, turkey style

1. Is there a special dish you prepare that you are famous for?

HAH. For Thanksgiving? I'm lucky enough to not have to cook at all. When the time comes for my little family to move out on our own, then I may learn. Or we'll just end up at Golden Corral and then home for some.... peanut butter balls?

2. Are you (did you) go Black Friday shopping?

We went bowling, if that counts. Okay, okay. My smart (?) husband decided that 10 o'clock Thursday night was THE time to get some cologne from Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart starts Black Friday at 10:00pm now... yep, we're smart cookies. Although, we really are because we were in and out of there in 12 minutes.

3. What are your strangest Holiday traditions?
Hrm. I'm not sure if we even have strange traditions. We don't have any sort of tradition, in all honesty. Now I want to make a strange one just because.

4. Pecan or pumpkin pie?

Pumpkin, with A HUGE TUSH (as opposed to @$$ because uhm, I'm trying to be respectful... tush sounds weird in this context) dollap of cool whip. And when that dollap magically ends up in my mouth without the pie, then I must have another serving of cool whip. An extra large one... in case half of it ends up in my pieless pie hole again.

5. When will you put up your Christmas tree?

Well I'm actually already late. I usually do it the day after Thanksgiving but I'm kind of scared of it this year. A 2 year old and an 11 month old are going to DESTROY my tree. I must plan and take action in operation hide-the-tree-from-kids-but-still-visible-for-the-adults. Eventually.

Look, I can draw!

My very detailed artwork of how we sleep.

Paisley's the cool one who is NOT pictured because she has her own room, and bed. Jaspers bed is used as storage for blankets. Again, I ask wtf?

There are a few things missing in this picture:

• Daddy usually has a laptop
• Jasper is typically curled so his legs are also thrown on top of mommy
• Mommy doesn't lay on her back. Mommy is on her side, curled up under Jaspers lump of a body
• Jasper is actively snoring, zzzzzzing, and nursing all in one breath
• And in all actuality, this arrangement makes me smile.

Then I guess it's a duck

Note: My plan was to never speak of what Jasper has (or doesn't have) down there. The last thing I want is for people to make fun of him. I feel as though this is a safe place to tell his story because those who are reading this either care about my family and would never poke fun, or you've just happened to come across this and have no earthly idea who we are.

If it quacks like a duck, then it must be enlarged adenoids. We took Jasper to the ENT a few days ago and again, Dr. Bob refused to do an x-ray. He's been concerned about exposing J to the radiation. I didn't think it was a big deal and have insisted on an x-ray, still nothing. Yesterday he says that it's obviously enlarged adenoids and that those bad boys need to come out PROMPTO. His surgery is scheduled for November 28th. Yes, less than 2 weeks away. I'm going in this with high hopes, though. I know that he can handle the surgery. He's been through it before. Which I haven't discussed so I'll do that now.

Jasper had 4 surgeries in 1. On June 1st, 2011. He was only 5 months old. What should have been a very simple procedure gave us the shock of our lives. He was born with hydrocele (fluid around his testes, no big deal. It just causes redness and major swelling of the sac) and he also had a hernia. The hernia is basically a hole in your abdomen; it was the reason for the fluid escaping and collecting where it shouldn't be. His right testicle was fine other than the obvious hydrocele, but the left testicle hadn't dropped yet, even at 4 months old. By that point, both testes should be in the sac and if not, then surgery must be done to manually pull the testicle down where it should be. So, he went in for surgery to drain the fluid, stitch the hole (hernia), and to pull that testicle down. PROBLEM. There wasn't a left testicle. I felt like I was hit by a dump truck when the surgeon told us this.

When Dr. Perez went to pull down his testicle, all he got was a tiny scrunched up piece of tissue. That was his testicle. It had to be removed. Jasper suffered from a rare condition known as neo-natal testicular torsion. It's where the testicle is free floating and wraps itself up by it's own cord and strangles itself until the blood is cut off and dies. It is a MEDICAL EMERGENCY. Once this occurs, a surgeon only has 6 hours to save that testicle. We're fairly certain that Jaspers happened while still in the womb. There was no way for us to know, no way for us to save it. From my own research, I have found that it is due to a hormonal imbalance. I just couldn't produce enough testosterone for my son. Now THAT hit me like a ton of bricks. I think I'll always blame myself. Because his 1 testicle did this, he had such a higher risk of the other one doing the same, so Dr. Perez had to staple that one into place to make sure it couldn't ever come loose. And did I mention that we misdiagnosed him with GERD? He was so colicky and he was comfort feeding so much that we started him on medication. Turns out, he was in pain from his groin. Not only did we miss a serious problem, we unfairly treated him with medications that were of no use. He turned into such a happy baby once he recovered from surgery. I'll never forgive myself for making my son suffer for the first 5 months of his life. That's something I can never take back.

And here we are. My son has only 1 testicle, and 2 scars. He can still produce sperm, but we won't know if it's enough to bear children until he reaches that point in his life. He can't play rough sports. He's going to feel inadequate. God I hope he doesn't feel like less of a man. I hate that I'm worrying while he's only an infant. It seems crazy to think about your son having children when he's only a baby himself. And cancer. He has a higher risk of getting testicular cancer. How could this have happened to MY baby? You don't think about this sort of thing. Growing up, it's always hilarious watching a boy get knocked in the gonads. He falls to the floor in agony and we laugh. Now, if anybody was to ever do that to my son, I'd knock their head off. If the one testicle he has left is damaged, he has no chance of being a father. How could someone lose that possibility at such a young age?

Now how does this relate to the removal of adenoids? Well... because of his hieghtened risk of cancer, I assume his ENT refused an x-ray due to radiation. Radiation increases the risk of cancer (and can even cause it) and radiation can also effect sperm count and potentially even mutate the sperm. I REFUSE to put my son through an x-ray unless it is a life or death situation. In hindsight, I'm glad the ENT didn't go through with an x-ray.

My name is Lindsay and I am a helicopter mom. I will forever care too much about my baby boy. And I'm okay with that.

Shh. Be quiet. Do you hear that?

No? No, you don't hear anything? Nothing? No crying baby? No screaming toddler? No toys clanking? CALL THE COPS SOMEONE HAS TAKEN MY CHILDREN.

Oh. Woah. They're taking a nap? What's this "nap" that you refer to? And at the same time, too? It's official - Hell has frozen over.

Paisley tried giving up naps a few months ago. I stood my ground. For a month. I'd let her scream and bang on her door until she eventually fell asleep on the floor. For 20 minutes. She'd wake up grumpy and disoriented. Half the time, she'd fall back asleep on the couch. The other half of the time resulted in her screaming and pacing the kitchen asking for this and that in a voice I couldn't understand, stressing us both out for a whole hour. IT WAS TOO MUCH. So. I let her quit the nap. For a week, I could convince her to have quiet time and rest on the couch for an hour. That has quickly vanished.

I was fine with it, honestly. She went to bed so easily at night that it didn't seem to bother her. She wasn't overtired. But very recently, she's started suffering from nightmares, possibly even night terrors. What's a cause of either one? Being overtired. Her night terrors are SCARY. She goes to bed, sleeps for 4 hours and then the devil sneaks into my daughters room and enters her body. She sounds just like a 2 year old female devil would. Here's a video for proof:

I saved you. You only heard 15 seconds thanks to my suck phone. You're welcome. And it doesn't help that my poor demon child screams for me! WHY ME? It's heartbreaking and to hear it every night for an hour straight is even more heartbreaking. She screams so loud that it scares the poop out of her brother. Sometimes her daddy is home to save her, but usually he's at work. So this is my plan: we wake up at 7am every day, eat breakfast and play and have a snack blah blah, eat lunch at 12pm, read a book or two, then take a nap at 1pm. Hopefully for an hour. Hopefully today was the only day where she screams for 30 minutes before falling asleep. Although, she is now crawling back into bed instead of passing out on the floor. It's a huge accomplishment.

And tomorrow. Well, tomorrow we take Jasper BACK to the ENT specialist. I haven't spoke of this yet, but my poor little boy is suffering from sleep apnea. We tried a nasal spray in hopes it'd decrease the size of his adenoids, but it failed. We assume this is due to adenoids so tomorrow he's getting an x-ray. We'll go from there. If he needs surgery to remove them, then we'll do that. Not even a year old and possibly having yet another surgery. I still need to write about his first. I'll do that at some point.

For now, while the devil sleeps in her room and the angel snores on the couch, I'm folding laundry. Before they wake up and trample through them.

I'm fine, I promise

You know how when a woman responds with "I'm fine," and 9 times out of 10 she really isn't? I was always that woman. And for the first time in a year and half, I feel like I really am okay. Everything will be okay.

November 11th, 2011. Not only is it the neatest date known to man, it is also Veterans Day. And not only that, it is also the day that we should be celebrating Braylons first Birthday. If you're unaware, Braylon is our second child. He was born into Heaven in March of 2010. I've had the most difficult time trying to grasp this miscarriage. I have battled with myself since it happened, beating myself up over what I could have done. I have blamed myself and I have neglected to love my children on Earth with me to my fullest. But I feel like that's all changed. This time last year I was in tears all day. I was sulking, feeling sorry for myself and I was missing you, wanting you in my arms. But this year is different. This year, I baked an angel food cake (okay, it was horrible but I tried) and I cooked my favorite comfort meal for dinner. And I spent the day loving and playing with your siblings. You've only crossed my mind twice today. Once this morning when I woke up, and now as I type this. This is a huge stepping stone for me. I am realizing that letting go doesn't mean that I have to forget. I just need to move on while still loving you.

I got to let you go last month. ForeverParents hosted a balloon release on National Infant Loss and Miscarriage Day. I attended that balloon release and I finally got to choose to let you go. I got to prepare and I sent you to Heaven. And I had high hopes that it would help me get over this grieving stage I still find myself trapped in. I thought they were too high of hopes. But I was wrong. It has helped. It has helped tremendously.
I am enjoying your big sister. She, who made me realize that life must go on. When I lost you, I needed to be strong for her so I survived. I am enjoying your baby brother. My rainbow. I can't tell you where I'd be right now if it weren't for him. I lost all hope and faith until he came along so miraculously. And I love you. I still think about you, but only on occasion. And I refuse to feel bad for that. I think it's supposed to be this way.

Note to self: It is okay. It is okay to let time pass without missing our Baby Bean. It is okay to enjoy life. It is okay to move on. I will never forget, and I will never ever stop loving or missing you. But I will go a few days, weeks, or maybe even months without haunting myself with the moment I lost you. And it's okay to do so. You are in God's hands and you are okay. I am okay. I'm fine, I promise.