October 15th, 2011. Today is the remembrance day of pregnancy and infant loss. Today is the day that I celebrated our second born. Braylon "Baby Bean" Townsend was due on November 11, 2010. He was born into Heaven on March 25th, 2010 at 7 weeks, 2 days gestation.
Brandon and I found out we were expecting a 2nd child when Paisley was only 5 months old. Were we even ready for another one? We were, we just didn't know it immediately. We ended up excited. We were ready, we wanted this baby. I was happy. And then, I ended up in the hospital. I was discharged after 6 hours of waiting and tests with instructions to get my pregnancy hormone level checked in 48 hours. I was diagnosed with a threatened miscarriage and it was no big deal. I even saw our baby bean on ultrasound, squirming around with a flashing heartbeat. I heard the doctor say that our baby was perfect. PERFECT. Not even 24 hours passed, and I lost the baby. There he was, outside of my body. My body which should have protected him. I failed as a mother. I was afraid to take care of Paisley for a few days. I had an irrational fear that I'd do the same to her. I killed one baby already. I wasn't cut out to be a mom. After reassurance I realized that I had to go on with life BECAUSE of her. Paisley was still here with me. Still alive, and she needed her mommy to be okay. And I survived. I survived for her, and because of her.
Having another child wasn't in the near future for us. I strugged with the idea of "replacing" Baby Bean with another child, even years down the road. Brandon and I struggled... we weren't sure of what to say to each other for about a month. We were together and happy, but very tip toey about our words to one another. We lost all affection... how could I be intimate at a time like this? Two months passed and I was still greiving, but I hadn't seen Aunt Flow. We made an appointment to make sure that my body expelled the baby okay. We were rushed to an ultrasound and there he was. My beautiful perfect, 7 week and 5 day old fetus. Our son. Everybody was in disbelief. My doctor had no explanation, no words. We created a life in the midst of a miscarriage - impossible, impossible. But a blessing. A blessing from God. Our rainbow after a storm. Jasper Ray Townsend. My reason for believing. My reason for having faith. My reason to pray. My son, and my savior. And he lived. And he was due on January 1st, 2011. Braylons due date was 11/11/2010, Jasper's was 1/1/11. Tell me that isn't a sign. Tell me that our son being born on Christmas Day isn't a sign. A sign that God is looking out for us, and that God is taking care of our 2nd child in Heaven. A sign that I need to just put my trust and faith in Him. If I could choose anybody to care for our child, it's Him.
It has now been 1 year, 6 months, and 2 weeks since we said goodbye. I still think of you every day, I still miss you. I'm greiving. I blame myself. I blame myself. I can't love your brother whole heartedly because I miss you. But if I had you, I wouldn't have him. I'm torn. I'm so so torn. I struggle. I struggle so bad with the idea of hanging on to you. I need to step back. For my own well being, and for the children here with me on Earth. I need to let go. Not forget, but not obsess either. I. need. to. let. GO.
Brandon and I found out we were expecting a 2nd child when Paisley was only 5 months old. Were we even ready for another one? We were, we just didn't know it immediately. We ended up excited. We were ready, we wanted this baby. I was happy. And then, I ended up in the hospital. I was discharged after 6 hours of waiting and tests with instructions to get my pregnancy hormone level checked in 48 hours. I was diagnosed with a threatened miscarriage and it was no big deal. I even saw our baby bean on ultrasound, squirming around with a flashing heartbeat. I heard the doctor say that our baby was perfect. PERFECT. Not even 24 hours passed, and I lost the baby. There he was, outside of my body. My body which should have protected him. I failed as a mother. I was afraid to take care of Paisley for a few days. I had an irrational fear that I'd do the same to her. I killed one baby already. I wasn't cut out to be a mom. After reassurance I realized that I had to go on with life BECAUSE of her. Paisley was still here with me. Still alive, and she needed her mommy to be okay. And I survived. I survived for her, and because of her.
Having another child wasn't in the near future for us. I strugged with the idea of "replacing" Baby Bean with another child, even years down the road. Brandon and I struggled... we weren't sure of what to say to each other for about a month. We were together and happy, but very tip toey about our words to one another. We lost all affection... how could I be intimate at a time like this? Two months passed and I was still greiving, but I hadn't seen Aunt Flow. We made an appointment to make sure that my body expelled the baby okay. We were rushed to an ultrasound and there he was. My beautiful perfect, 7 week and 5 day old fetus. Our son. Everybody was in disbelief. My doctor had no explanation, no words. We created a life in the midst of a miscarriage - impossible, impossible. But a blessing. A blessing from God. Our rainbow after a storm. Jasper Ray Townsend. My reason for believing. My reason for having faith. My reason to pray. My son, and my savior. And he lived. And he was due on January 1st, 2011. Braylons due date was 11/11/2010, Jasper's was 1/1/11. Tell me that isn't a sign. Tell me that our son being born on Christmas Day isn't a sign. A sign that God is looking out for us, and that God is taking care of our 2nd child in Heaven. A sign that I need to just put my trust and faith in Him. If I could choose anybody to care for our child, it's Him.
It has now been 1 year, 6 months, and 2 weeks since we said goodbye. I still think of you every day, I still miss you. I'm greiving. I blame myself. I blame myself. I can't love your brother whole heartedly because I miss you. But if I had you, I wouldn't have him. I'm torn. I'm so so torn. I struggle. I struggle so bad with the idea of hanging on to you. I need to step back. For my own well being, and for the children here with me on Earth. I need to let go. Not forget, but not obsess either. I. need. to. let. GO.
October 15th, 2011. I did just that. I was a part of a community balloon release in honor of pregnancy and infant loss. I held you in my arms today. Not your body, but your spirit. I held you and your baby brother held you and your older sister held you. And I prayed. I let you go today. I didn't get to choose losing you a year and a half ago. I didn't get to say goodbye or tell you I love you. I wasn't READY for you to leave me. I didn't let you go, you were taken from me. And today, I changed that. I LET YOU GO. I let you free. I let myself free. I prayed, and I told you I loved you and that I'd see you soon. You're in a better place now, and I hope that I am too. I could never forget you, or stop loving you. But maybe now, maybe now I won't cry as much. I know you hate seeing me hurt, especially over you. I want to be strong for you, and for your siblings. I love you, and I hope you enjoy Heaven. I can't wait to hold you in my arms again. Today, I watched you in Heaven, and today, I promise to become a better mom to your brother and sister. I promise to believe in God and all of his glory. I promise to stop worrying about what went wrong. I promise to just. let. go. I could never forget you, and I can't promise that I won't think of you on March 25th of every year, or even November 11th. But I do promise that I will try my best to make it a day of celebration and rememberance. Not a day of grielf. Because March 25th is your BIRTHday. You weren't born here on Earth, but you were born in Heaven, the most beautiful place of them all. And I thank God for having such a place for you to be.Lamentations 3:25 NIV
The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him
Your birthverse. If this isn't proof of God's existence, I don't know what is. God is good to me, he gave me your brother, because I have hope that he is taking good care of you, and I seek his advice and comfort. And he is good to me. It all goes together. I will never question my faith again, as I have struggled for years. In God's name I pray.I let you go today. You will forever be in our hearts. Mommy and Daddy love you and miss you, and so do your brother and sister. Thank you for showing me a love I never knew.
And thank you to my dear friend Alex, who held me while I wept today. I don't know how a mother could do this without a support system. You'll never know how much this meant to me.
And as always, my husband who has also suffered. Maybe not as much, but I know that he hurts. I love you Brandon and I thank God for you, and that you've stuck with me. I think Baby Bean would be proud of his parents. You're my number one.
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