I'm fine, I promise

You know how when a woman responds with "I'm fine," and 9 times out of 10 she really isn't? I was always that woman. And for the first time in a year and half, I feel like I really am okay. Everything will be okay.

November 11th, 2011. Not only is it the neatest date known to man, it is also Veterans Day. And not only that, it is also the day that we should be celebrating Braylons first Birthday. If you're unaware, Braylon is our second child. He was born into Heaven in March of 2010. I've had the most difficult time trying to grasp this miscarriage. I have battled with myself since it happened, beating myself up over what I could have done. I have blamed myself and I have neglected to love my children on Earth with me to my fullest. But I feel like that's all changed. This time last year I was in tears all day. I was sulking, feeling sorry for myself and I was missing you, wanting you in my arms. But this year is different. This year, I baked an angel food cake (okay, it was horrible but I tried) and I cooked my favorite comfort meal for dinner. And I spent the day loving and playing with your siblings. You've only crossed my mind twice today. Once this morning when I woke up, and now as I type this. This is a huge stepping stone for me. I am realizing that letting go doesn't mean that I have to forget. I just need to move on while still loving you.

I got to let you go last month. ForeverParents hosted a balloon release on National Infant Loss and Miscarriage Day. I attended that balloon release and I finally got to choose to let you go. I got to prepare and I sent you to Heaven. And I had high hopes that it would help me get over this grieving stage I still find myself trapped in. I thought they were too high of hopes. But I was wrong. It has helped. It has helped tremendously.
I am enjoying your big sister. She, who made me realize that life must go on. When I lost you, I needed to be strong for her so I survived. I am enjoying your baby brother. My rainbow. I can't tell you where I'd be right now if it weren't for him. I lost all hope and faith until he came along so miraculously. And I love you. I still think about you, but only on occasion. And I refuse to feel bad for that. I think it's supposed to be this way.

Note to self: It is okay. It is okay to let time pass without missing our Baby Bean. It is okay to enjoy life. It is okay to move on. I will never forget, and I will never ever stop loving or missing you. But I will go a few days, weeks, or maybe even months without haunting myself with the moment I lost you. And it's okay to do so. You are in God's hands and you are okay. I am okay. I'm fine, I promise.