Wow, I kind of fell out of the blogging universe for a while there. But with good reason.
Not only did Christmas bring me lots of busy busy days and nights, it also brought me some heartache. Heartache that no woman should ever have to experience. But, I believe in God. Since the night of Christmas, I've been searching for answers. Asking my friends what I'm supposed to do, arguing with myself on what's real and what isn't. Making excuses for other's actions, and for my own. And the one night where I admitted to a dear friend that I give up on God, he answered me. I didn't even ask for him. I overlooked the power of Him, and the second he realized that I was once again losing faith, he reminded me that He is very real, and he is listening and watching, even when he isn't asked to do so.
I got an e-mail. Okay, I admit. It was a Facebook message, who uses e-mail anymore? It was from a man that I didn't even know. I knew OF him, but what I knew of him was far from the truth. He wrote me a message and I immediately got my answers. All that has happened in the last 4 or so months has been a fantasy. Yes, my husband betrayed me, and he is not forgiven (yet). Yes, he fell out of love for me. But yes, our marriage has been falling apart for months and months and months. And yes, I am partly to blame. My husband only sought out what I wasn't giving him; although what he found wasn't what he needed either. It did, however, give both of us the wake up call that we so desperately needed.
We ARE in love. We're past the honeymoon stage of our marriage and we fell out of touch. It happens. We just didn't know how to handle it. I quit caring about being a wife, and he quit caring that I had wants and needs. And now, here we are. December 31st, 2011 was the end of a year. It was THE time to make a change. Either we went our separate ways or we fought for each other. Thanks to the message I received that day, we chose to fight. It became obvious to the both of us (and others) that this is what was right. I promised to be a better wife, and he promised to be a better husband and father. We promised to seek professional help - a marriage counselor.
Truth is. I haven't even tried. It just comes so natural to me, and to him. We've fallen back in love. We are in love. We needed a reminder; a reason to remember. An incident that should have broken us, has put us back together. Yes, a vow was broken, but other vows go so much deeper. This can be healed, we can be healed. And we're on the road to recovery.
Last night I gave my husband something I didn't think would be possible for quite some time. Last night, we remembered how to show one another that we care, and that we are in love. Last night was the start of 2012, the start of US. This year is our year to succeed as husband and wife, and as a family.
You can't judge until you're in that situation yourself. No, we are not perfect. Yes, it will take an eternity for me to heal. But so long as each of us are trying, why stop now? We need help and we are asking for it. That's worthy of a second chance.
Don't ever underestimate God. He is listening, even when you think he isn't. He answers prayers (even when you haven't asked) in mysterious ways. And ours was in the form of a message. A message from a man in Canada, who had all the answers, and he didn't even know it himself.
I will heal. My marriage will survive. I AM happy.
You don't have to like it, you don't have to agree. But please, support this decision. If you can't, then you obviously shouldn't be in my life. No harsh words need to be said; I've already said them all. Your life isn't perfect either, we're just admitting to our faults and using it to our own advantage. Way to be an adult, Lindsay. Way to be a fucking adult. I seriously applaud myself.
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