I needed a week to recover. Too. much. corn.

Last Saturday was an adventure. My friend Alex and I packed up our 3 kids and headed to the balloon release. Once that weight was lifted off my shoulders, we headed for a corn maze. The first corn maze I have ever been to. And let me be the one to say that they are NOT meant for small children. A 2 year old, a 9 month old, and a 6 month old can't exactly comprehend that this is supposed to be "fun." I, too, found it hard to call this fun.

We pull into the parking lot and we're so effing excited. We grab the babies, strap the boys to our chests, and throw P in the stroller. The single stroller. With 3 kids. We kick ourselves in the tushies about 10 minutes later for not bringing the double stroller. But at this point, we're stoked. We go get our free waters and we head to the opening of this fun and exciting corn maze! We're still excited. We're excited and we start making turns. We're giggling and its fun. Jasper is passed out because he's got the boob in his mouth and the boy can sleep for hours like that. Which he did. Paisley is in the stroller talking and drinking her juice and she's happy. Harrison is on his mommys back and he's giving me the eye the whole time but he's happy so it's all good.

Didn't we just pass that sign? The one about the stupid corn. Wait, they're all about corn. This one is asking us what kind people like to eat in the summer time. Sweet corn, duh. That was our answer 10 minutes ago. We took a left, because our answers always tell us to go left. Apparently you can only take so many lefts before you end up at the starting point. Which we did. About 5 times. Making circles in 80 degree weather with a nearly 30 pound kid on your chest is FUN. And did I mention that I was wearing my adorable suede boots? Which ended up covered in red clay mud and are now drip drying over my bath tub? FUN. After 30 minutes of this nonsence, we're ready to get out. We've about drank all of our water and we're stuck in the middle of a dessert with no source of hydration. My daughter has a sippy cup and I'm jealous. I'm dying. It's been 30 minutes and I'm dying. Now it's been an hour. Harrison gets upset so we're all "hey, put him in the stroller and let Paisley walk!" Really? Bad idea. Princess P is so distracted by all the beautiful corn kernels all over the ground and they're worth keeping. So she's picking every kernel up, studying it, then placing it in her pocket.  Weeeee corn! Mommy, corn! She is way behind. Like, far far behind us. I want to get the hell out of this place. ICE CREAM TRUCK! I swear to the corn God that I hear the music of an ice cream truck. They've come to save us. We made it. And then the music is gone. Paisley was taking too long and we lost the truck. (Although, it never existed in the first place, I swear to you I heard happy happy joy joy music). I try enticing the toddler to walk faster by holding out teddy grahams... it's working, but not fast enough. I'VE RAN OUT OF COOKIES. Oh, hi more corn on the ground let me pick you up even though my mom is obviously bitching about being stuck in your precense. Harrison starts crying. He's upset and he's mad and he's hungry and I don't blame him one bit. So we feel bad for the little dude and all we want is to get him to safety. Alex tries to give Paisley a piggy back ride. It lasted all but 10 minutes. We decide that we need to find a rescue team before we die in this desert and we walk. We walk and we don't stop for nothing. I let Paisley fall behind but so long as she's in my sight I'm content. I'm bitching and I'm complaning and I'm bitching and bitching and I'm calling for Paisley to make sure she's alive and I'm bitching. Alex takes the lead and she gets full effing credit. BECAUSE SHE FOUND THE PEARLY WHITE GATES OF HEAVEN. Er, maybe it was just an exit sign. Same thing in my book, especially when you're dying from heat exhaust and dehydration. We pick up the pace. We somehow found the energy to race for the ambulance. Er, I guess it was just a car. We're running. "PUCKIN PACH! PUCKIN PACHHHH PUCKIN PACH!!!" I hear Paisley shrieking behind me and racing towards the effing pumpkins. We can get one from Wal-Mart I promise. It'll be just the same. And I swoosh her up into my arms and I'm juggling the two kids and Alex has already reached safety. And I join her. And we're FREE. And we're still alive, if you can believe it.

2 whole freaking hours. We wasted 2 hours and 12 dollars and I'm never ever ever doing that again. Corn mazes are NOT fun.

And just as I promised, Paisley got her damn puckin pach from Wal-Mart and she's perfectly happy with it. We're carving it tomorrow. Happy happy joy joy!

Screw a corn maze.